Black Was Always Your Color
by orangeyhairedimmortal
Summary: Due to Uncle Fester leaving, Pubert was cursed with normality (by society's standards). As a disappointment to his parents, he ended up studying to become a surgeon. He becomes pretty successful and all is well until Fester suddenly returns to the Addams home, prompting some very dormant genes within Pubert to resurface and causing a lot of ooky, kooky quirks in the process.
1. Good Riddance

**so here's my new addams family fic. i hope you all enjoy it. it will be a little trickier with this one but i think i can pull it off!**

* * *

"Uh… thanks." I said.

"You can put it in your stupid office." My sister said with a stoic look.

I looked at the banner in my hands that read, _Sic gorgiamus allos subjectatos nunc_ : we gladly feast on those who would subdue us. The family credo.

"Considering every else about you, the least you can do is keep the credo."

"I'll… hang it up somewhere… I'd hug you but I'm sure you'd stab me with a knife if I did."

"I think that would be a better fit of a goodbye, don't you think?" she said, lifting an eyebrow at me.

"Dad refuses to see me off?" I asked.

"He hates you."

"Well, hell, Wednesday, I knew that. You guys all hate me."

"Mother has a small liking for you. She tolerated you enough so you could go to… medical school." She said with a sneer.

"What's the problem with wanting to help people?"

"The sentence speaks for itself."

"You hate me the most, so why are you here to see me off?"

"That sentence also speaks for itself. Once you're finally gone, Father can go back to normal and the house will be free of your… frivolities."

"Aren't you going to college? I thought Mom said you had to go before you could dance naked in a town square and seduce a minister or something?"

Wednesday smirked. "Online classes, little brother. I can dance naked in the town square all I want."

"Please don't… at least not here."

"Why? Would I embarrass you?" she said with a blink.

I shouldn't have tried to make sense of it all. My family was not like the other families in school. They completely hate that I decided to become a surgeon and spent my years in medical school. The only reason they were halfway decently okay with it was because it got to cut people up.

I stuck the banner in the car and put my hands on my hips.

"Well… I'm off. I know it's kind of a long shot but if you're ever around, drop by."

"I'll try to avoid that."

"Oh, Bert, you're leaving?" Joel said, walking up.

"Hey, Joel. Yeah, I'm off."

"Good luck to you."

"Thanks." I turned to my sister. " _That's_ how you say goodbye."

"I know other ways to do that too."

"Tish, please…"

I looked up at the porch and saw Mom dragging Dad outside.

"It's all Fester's fault! If he had just come home! I wouldn't have to watch this… this thing live in my house!"

"Farewell, Pubert. Despite everything, we tolerated you with such great kindness." Mom says.

AKA: I love you. Dad on the other hand just turned his back to me.

"Thanks. See ya around."

I got in the car and headed to the city and breathed in a sigh of relief. After all these years, I can finally be around some _normal_ people.

I will not longer be Pubert Addams. I am now Dr. Adam Bert, a surgeon who will save lives.

Well, that's what I had planned to do anyway.

* * *

 **more on how this happened soon. and he is changing his name because pubert is a horrid name by normal society. due to the issue, he doesn't want to be associated with his family anymore. things can change though .**


	2. Please Don't Forget

**sorry for the long time between. also, to be clear, I have not seen the addams family play so i do not know how a certain someone acts. but since this is an AU all the way around, maybe it won't matter?**

* * *

"Hey, uh, Adam? There's a Gothic chick in your office."

I looked at my friend and fellow surgeon, Luke Beineke, as he thumbed towards my office. It's been two years since I left home to be a surgeon and I've made a pretty good name for myself. People want me to perform their surgeries all the time, even bypassing other surgeons and getting on a waiting list just so that I can take a literal stab at them. It's nice to be appreciated for something I'm good at…

I put the clipboard on the hook near the nurse's station and put the stethoscope around my neck and head off to my office. By the description, it's either my mother or my sister. Most likely Wednesday… I get up to my office and see Lucus looking in.

"What are you doing?" I asked.

"She's hot. Who is she?"

I look in and frown, elbowing him. "That's my sister."

"I'm liking the Goth look. If she wants to have fun with a real man-"

"Look, there are three things about you that she won't like off the bat: one, you're blonde, two, you're normal, and three, you're on two legs."

"On two legs?"

"Don't worry about it. Get back to work."

Lucus shrugged and walked off.

I opened the door as Wednesday looked over, holding the skull I had on my desk.

"Quaint; who's skull is this?"

"It's not real, just a decoration."

"Shame." She put it down. "Knowing the name of those you behead makes for better stories."

"I don't exactly have story time in this office and I don't decapitate people. What brings you by?"

Wednesday pointed at my desk calendar with her black painted fingernail.

"You were ejected from Mother's vagina today."

I frowned. "Saying that it's my birthday will suffice."

"The flair is gone if you say it like that. I hate that about you."

"I hate you too."

Wednesday looked at me and a ghost of smile crossed her lips.

"Why, Pubert, I almost liked you for a second."

"We wouldn't want _that_ … Anyway, I told you that I changed my birthday and my name isn't Pubert anymore."

Wednesday looked at a resin ball that had a stag beetle in it and crossed her legs on the edge of the desk, her black skirt rising and showing off her fishnets on her thighs. I tsked and pulled her leg down, making her stand up.

"Would you not act like a vixen in my office? People are going to start up rumors. Don't you have things to do with your life like killing a puppy or electrocuting the dolphins?"

"Although both sound delightfully fun, I'm here on behalf of Father."

"Father? What does he want?" I asked, crossing my arms.

"He said that he wanted to see you since something has occurred."

"And that would be?"

"Uncle Fester is coming home."

I made a face and leaned on my desk.

"Uncle Fester? I never met him."

"Of course you didn't, he left while you were a baby. We believe he's the one who caused all of… _this_ …" she said, motioning around the room and then back at me.

"What do you mean?"

"For someone smart, you seem to lose brain cells at an alarming rate whenever questions are asked."

"Only when it comes to this family. I swear I've never been around a family that was so cryptic no matter what."

"Sadly you've been around other families."

"And I've also never been around a family who likes the macabre and are crazy like ours. I don't understand you guys at all and somehow _I'm_ the weird one."

"Hopefully with Uncle Fester's return, you'll eventually understand."

" _Nothing_ is wrong with me!"

Wednesday touched my face. "And that's a shame."

She began to leave but threw something to me. I fumbled to catch it.

"Happy birthday, _Pubert_."

I frowned at her as I opened the box. I frowned again and looked at the Chinese finger trap that was placed neatly inside. I sighed and took it out, putting it on the desk.

* * *

"Hey, hey, Adam! Wait up!"

I waited for Lucus as he caught up with me in the elevator. We started going down and he turned to me.

"Hey, is your sister single?"

"Lucus, I'm telling you that she's not your type and you're definitely not her type."

"I can roll with the Gothic look."

"It's not just a look, it's a way of life. My family is not like any other family you will ever meet. I mean, even I don't understand them half the time."

"She seems interesting. What does she like?"

"Just because you're cute doesn't mean she'll like you. Besides, I think she's still going out with Joel… I could be wrong. I don't keep up with them much."

"Why not?"

"Because they believe that _I'm_ the weird one."

Lucus laughed. "Really?"

"Yeah, so that should show you how demented they are."

"I still would like to meet up with her. Come on, clue me in."

I sighed. "If it's creepy, spooky, macabre, or anything dark, she'll like it. Don't even think about trying the whole flower and chocolates thing. I mean, she might like black roses or something but…"

"Gotcha, gotcha…" he said, putting his hand to his chin.

I made a face at him. "You're really considering this?"

"Uh, yeah. Your sister is hot."

"She's also nine years older than me."

"I'm three years older than you, so that makes her five years older than me, which isn't that big of a gap. Besides, we look around the same age."

"Do whatever you want, I guess."

"How's it going with that girl you were talking with the other day? What was her name?"

"Melissa? I think it went pretty well. I haven't called her for a second date or anything but… I might."

"Really? She seemed really clingy to me. I don't think it would be a good idea."

"You think?"

"Have I steered you wrong since you came to the big city?"

"No, I guess not."

"Then for my free advice, let me get a crack at your sister."

"Are you still on that?"

"Just give me her phone number or her address or something."

"She would probably kill me if I gave you her phone number but I guess I can give you her address. I mean, if you get past Lurch then all's to you." I said, writing my old address down.

Funny how I could still remember it after all this time.

"What do you mean lurch?"

"He's our… uh… well, butler I guess would be the gentle way of putting it. I'm not quite sure what he is."

Lucus gave me a weird look but took the receipt that I had written the address on and put it in his back pocket. We got to the garage that held our cars and parted ways.

* * *

The next day as I was going through my consultations for the day my phone rang. I reached into my pocket and answered it without really looking.

"Dr. Bert."

"Your name is Addams."

"Wednesday."

"I was using this blonde haired salesman for target practice with my crossbow when he shouted the most peculiar thing."

"That you were crazy?"

"That's nothing new and frankly the lower form of compliment. No, he said that he was friends with an Adam Bert from the hospital and that he had seen me in their office. I didn't know what he was talking about, of course, but he mentioned what I had on yesterday in impeccable detail. I only stopped by your place and the hardware store and there was no one looking like him in the latter. He said his name was Lucus?"

"He actually- Wait, where _is_ he?"

"The basement. We had some extra chains hanging around and I had just bought some rope, so he was a good test subject in my new knots."

"Well no wonder he's not here. Let him go."

"Do you know him?"

"Yes! He's my colleague!"

"I see. Well, I guess it will have to wear off first."

" _What_ will have to wear off? Wednesday?! WEDNESDAY!"

The phone went dead and I cursed under my breath. I hope Lucus was alright. If I didn't have five consultations today I would cancel them. I prayed Wednesday was in a good mood.

* * *

 **so it looks like wenz has a hold of lucus for a time. to reiterate, I have not seen the play but from what I read of lucus' description, he seems like a normal bloke with a dark side to him. i will try to make sure that i make him different from joel. so yes, he will be a regular in the story.**


	3. Reluctant Reunion

After my consultations for the day, I got in my Ferrari and rushed back to my old house. I was still in New York even after all this time, since I really didn't have a reason to leave it. Plus, even though I'm not fond of my family, I still wanted to be nearby. The loyalty in me is not something that I gained from my own family, apparently…

I got to the gate and it opened without prompt. I rode through and parked beside a nice Lexus and the old Addams' Model T. I got out and ran up to the door, pounding on it furiously. It opened slowly and I almost fell in. Lurch made a noise and I smiled.

"Hey, Lurch. Long time, no see…" He smiled and gave a nod. "Where's my sister?" He thought for a moment and pointed down. "The basement?" He nodded with a grunt. "Great, thanks. I'll go in the back way."

He nodded and I descended the stairs to go around the back of the house and find the basement window to go in through. I finally found it and made a face at the dirt and grime on it. I rolled up my sleeves and tried to make myself a little more comfortable to try and climb into the basement. I wiggled in and landed on a crate of some sort. I never really went in here so I didn't know what the heck I would find.

To my surprise, when I turned, I found Wednesday staring at me from one of the crates.

"Glad you could join us." She said.

"Where's Lucas?"

She pointed to the left with a horse crop and I frowned.

"Did you use that on him?"

"Unfortunately not yet." She said with an annoyed expression. "Shame. I liked the way he screamed."

I moved my mouth to the side and followed her directions to Lucas. I found him with his hands bound above his head hooked to a hook and his shirt was off. His head was laying on his shoulder in a heavy drunken fashion. I thought about what might wake him up and put all my strength into my arm as I slapped his face. He just seemed more uncomfortable.

"Don't bother. He won't wake up until tomorrow… or maybe the next day. If he dies, bring him here and we'll call forth his spirit."

"We only need to call forth his spirit if we didn't know who killed him but if he dies, it's because of you."

Wednesday's eyes glittered. "My first kill…"

"This isn't a joke, Wednesday." I growled as I tried to figure out how to get my colleague off the hook, literally. "How do you get this off?!"

"You came to rescue your damsel in distress, so figure it out. Since you're here though, I'll let Father know you are back."

As I struggled with Lucas I turned to her.

"No. No, no, no, I don't want to talk to Dad."

"I'm quite sure if you went to the front door then Lurch or Thing has notified Father already. Also, your squiggly arms aren't strong enough to carry him out of the house without help."

"Then how'd you get him _in_?" I grunted, finally lifting Lucas from the hook.

"Lurch is good for something other than cleaning and manning the door." She said with a small smile.

"What about Joel?"

Wednesday glared at me and I suddenly felt the riding crop whack me in the back of the leg. I yelped and fell to one knee, Lucas practically on top of me.

"We broke up ages ago. If you were around, you'd know."

I gave my sister a dirty look. "As you usually so casually put it, dear sister, I wasn't wanted around. That being the case, why would I give two shits about your relationship?"

"It's in your nature as you are now. Would you like help with him?"

"Sure."

"Find someone else to help you."

Wednesday went up the stairs and I rolled my eyes at her. This is why I hated anything to do with my family.

* * *

I finally dragged Lucas up the stairs and was trying to haul ass to get out but I was stopped by Mom.

"Pubert?" I turned around and she smiled at me. "I wasn't aware you were here. If I had known I would have asked Grandmama to make something special for you."

"Uh, no I'm good without her cooking…"

"Were you playing Wake the Dead? In the middle of April?"

I looked at her funny and realized she was talking about Lucas.

"Oh, no. This is Lucas, my colleague at work. Wednesday got a hold of him."

"I see… Well, put him down and come and meet your uncle."

I rolled my eyes. "Mother, just because my long lost uncle has returned from a horrible marriage doesn't mean I'm going to 'change back into an Addams' or whatever curse you think I'm under."

"Pubert, there you are. I want you to meet your uncle." I heard Dad say from the hall.

I sighed and laid Lucas in the chair that was by the door and brushed myself off. I tsked at the dirt on my clothes and put a mental reminder to send these to the dry cleaners… I walked with Mother into the living room where Dad had his arm around a squat bald man who was dressed in… something. There were dark circles around his eyes, sunken in and wide, and looked nothing like I would have imagined my uncle to look like, compared to my father anyway. My father was always suave, svelte, and good looking with jet black hair and a black pencil thin mustache that seemed to never need a trimming and a love for my mother that was beyond overdramatic. My uncle seemed to be the complete opposite of Father and I made a face at that.

"Pubert, this is your Uncle Fester."

"Your name really _is_ Fester?" I asked.

Uncle Fester nodded enthusiastically and I shook my head at his weirdness. I held out my hand though.

"Nice to meet you, Uncle Fester."

He grabbed my hand in both of his and shook vigorously. I suddenly felt like I was going to faint and my knees buckled. Dad caught me.

"Are you alright, son?" he asked, actually seeming concerned.

"I'm fine, just got dizzy all of a sudden." I stood up on my own. "I'm fine, don't worry."

"I can't believe you look like that." Fester said, looking me up and down. "I mean… the bright blue eyes, those golden locks… Are you sure this is your kid, Gomez?"

Dad nodded, closing his eyes in shame. I made a face at that.

"Yes, yes that is my son…"

"Okay, I'm leaving now. Glad to have you back, Uncle Fester, maybe we'll catch up or something. I have to get my colleague back to the city, so if you'll excuse me."

"I'll walk you to the door." Mom said.

She slunk her arm in mine and walked me to the door.

"Now that your uncle is back, your father will be in much higher spirits. You should come by every now and then."

"I think the distance makes good for us. No offense but I'm too different from you guys to really have enough in common for regular visits. I will have to come back tomorrow though since I'm going to have to take Lucas home with me. He'll have to come back and get his car."

I let go of Mom and grabbed Lucas, throwing his arm over my shoulder. Mom opened the door for me and I smiled at her.

"It was good to see you though. You look amazing, as always."

"Thank you, Pubert. Oh, and happy belated birthday." She said, holding out a small box to me. "From a mother to her son."

I took it and shoved it in my pocket.

"Thanks. I'll open it when I get home."

"Mind the absence of the stop sign. I know how you are about your brother's antics."

"Hey, where was Pugsley anyway?"

"Oh, he was taken to a mental facility a couple of weeks ago." Mom sighed in admiration. "Our first child to go to the mental hospital… It's a milestone for our generation."

"Uh, glad for him. Is he going to be able to get out or anything?"

"We're not sure. We will be talking with an attorney soon."

"What did he do?"

Mom clapped her fingertips together in glee. "He cast his first curse on a police officer and it worked. When it wore off, he took Pugsley and demanded he be put in the mental hospital."

"Wow… I'm just going to go. Nice to see everyone again, I think. I guess saying it was _interesting_ to see everyone again would be the better term."

"Of course."

I dragged Lucas back to the car and drove home.

* * *

I threw Lucas on my couch and checked my email when I noticed I had a missed call from Melissa. I noticed she left a message and listened to it. She wanted to see me again and hoped she wasn't being too forward. I had kind of liked her, so I decided to call her back.

"Hello?"

"Hi, is this Melissa?"

"This is she?"

"This is Adam Bert, I missed your call earlier and got your message."

"Oh! Great… um… I don't usually do this but I really liked our first date and was wondering if maybe you would like to have second?"

"Sure, I'd love to. What would you like to do?"

"There's an art festival in Queens that I was wanting to go and take a look at. Are you into that sort of thing?"

"I like art, yeah. I also know a great place to eat over there."

"Great! It's on Saturday and starts at 12:00."

"I'll pick you up at 10:30 since it takes a bit to get to Queens from here."

"Awesome! I'm… I'm really looking forward to it."

"So am I. I was actually going to call you sooner but work and everything… but I'm glad _you_ called. This will be fun."

"I think so too. See you Saturday."

I hung up and did a fist pump in triumph. I know Lucas said she was a bit clingy but he wasn't there for the first date. It went really well and I think she was just nervous just like I was. I think the second date will tell a little more about who she is than the first one. I sighed and went to take a shower.

* * *

 **so uncle fester finally comes home. things may not be as easy for pubert anymore. and i think as an addams, being admitted to the mental hospital would be the equivalent of college.**


	4. Back For More

**sorry that i haven't updated in a while. i've been going through some crappy jobs and a move. hopefully i will get back into the swing of things and update more often. just a reminder to everyone though, i have NOT seen the addams family play but the description of lucas pretty much says he's normal but okay with the addams stuff so this is my personal take on him. thank you.**

* * *

I had a really bad dream and woke up from it sweating bullets. I looked around the room and put my hand to my heart. It was beating so fast I thought it was going to come straight out of my chest. I got up to go get some water from the kitchen. As I made it to the living room, I heard Lucas snoring on the couch and frowned at him as I drank my water. The man is like a freight train even when he was drugged. I hoped Wednesday was right and that the effects would wear off by tomorrow. I looked at the clock. I mean _today_. Ugh, this night/morning isn't going as planned at all. Not in the least bit. I've got indigestion like no one's business… My family stresses me out more than anyone I've ever known… I took the glass of water with me to my room and closed the door, trying to drown out Lucas' snoring.

* * *

When I woke up, I felt achy all over, like my body had just gone through a beat down. I went to the bathroom and brushed my teeth. As I looked in the mirror, I noticed that a mustache was starting to show up on my upper lip and I grabbed my razor and shaving cream to get it off. I heard Lucas snork and stepped out to see if he was completely awake or not. He was looking around in confusion and then turned, seeing me.

"What the hell?"

"Morning, starshine."

"Where am I?"

"My apartment. Sleep good?"

"Yeah…" he said, rubbing his head. "I had the craziest dream. Your sister was shooting arrows at me with a crossbow and then I ended up in the house and then I think I passed out." He chuckled nervously. "I was dreaming, right?"

"If you were dreaming, my sister would have invited you in and made you tea made out of an herb people actually eat and drink. Sorry, but that was real."

"Wow… that's super intense… You think she'd have me over again?"

I stared at him as he smiled a little.

"Did you hit your head before you were drugged? Or did I accidentally do something when I was trying to get you down from that hook?" I thought to myself really.

"Hook?"

"Yeah. Wednesday had you tied up by your hands and hooked on a large hook. You're lucky I got there when I did or you'd have welts for days on your back… or body. Not sure if she was going for specifics or not…"

Speaking of which, I looked down at the back of my own legs and was met with a gnarly looking mark across my calves. God she's such a bitch…

"Whoa, wait, time out: your sister had me tied up and was about to hit me with something? Like what?"

"A riding crop I think."

Lucas jumped up and down making this weird noise like a tea kettle that was ready and I just stared at him.

"I was actually about to endure the punishments of a dominatrix and you _took me_ from that?!" he asked, looking at me with a weird mixture of excitement and anger.

I sighed. "Let me finish shaving because I can't take you seriously with my face half full of shaving cream."

I went back into the bathroom and finished shaving and then hissed, nicking myself on the sensitive part of my neck. I touched the bleeding spot and then just stared at my blood for a second. For a split second, my eyesight went hazy and doubled but I shook my head and held onto the sink, suddenly feeling unbalanced. I looked in the mirror and saw where the cut had gone haywire with bleeding and again, I just stared at my reflection in the mirror.

"Hey, how did I- Whoa, you gonna do something about that cut, Sweeny Todd?"

"Huh?" I asked, looking at him in the mirror.

"You gonna just let that bleed out or something about it? You look like you're the ghost of a beheading victim."

I nodded and grabbed some toilet paper, wiping off the blood.

"Sorry, I was dazed for a minute. What were you asking me?"

"I was asking how I got here?"

"I went to go get your stupid ass and drove you back to my place."

Lucas' eyes brightened. "So that means I get to go _back_?"

I made a face at him. "Yeah?"

He pulled his arm back. "Score!"

* * *

I drove up to the mansion and up the driveway, parking my car next to Lucas'. He got out and looked around.

"What are you doing?" I asked.

"Looking for your sister."

"Give it up, Luke. Just come to work."

He sighed but went to his car and started it up. I went to pull out but yelled, Uncle Fester right at my window looking in like a creeper. I rolled down the window as he stepped back a little.

"Jesus, Uncle Fester! What the hell's your problem?"

"I was coming to see what the inside of your type of car looks like. Fancy."

"'My type of car'?"

"Normal people."

I rolled my eyes. "I see you're on the same kick Dad is usually on… Look, I don't know what you thought you'd accomplish by coming back here, but I'm not going to magically start liking the macabre or eating cyanide or become an expert knife thrower. Why can't you just accept that I'm not going to be like you and will _never_ be like you guys?"

Uncle Fester just stared at me with that weird ass grin of his.

"You're an Addams at heart, kiddo. Your insides don't forget that." I frowned at him as he saluted me. "See ya next time."

"Yeah…" I rolled up the window. "I really hope not."

I go to leave once more and turn to back out when I see Wednesday in the back of my car. I scream again and let my foot off the gas, having to slam on the brakes to keep me from zooming away.

"What the hell?!"

"Greetings."

"How the hell did you get in my car, Wednesday?!"

"While you were talking with Uncle Fester, of course."

"Of course." I mocked. "I just want to leave this crazy mansion and go back to my life. Why do you keep ruining it for me?"

"It makes me smile inside."

"I should have expected that answer… seriously though?"

"I heard what you said to Uncle Fester and you're wrong. You didn't end up this way right after he left; it took some months before it happened. The same can be said of his return. It won't happen immediately but I wouldn't think that you're going to stay the same."

"Look, I don't believe in curses or spells or whatever it is you people think this is. Ever think that maybe I just had some common sense and realized that you guys are nutsos? I mean, do you ever just stop and think how _weird_ you guys are?"

"No, but I do think about how fun it was to play with you as a baby… I wish you would have at least hit the ground when we tried to see if you would bounce or the cannonball."

I blanched at her. "What?"

"Alas, Father caught you in the window but the hope was there."

"You're sick!"

"No, dear brother, it's you who is sick. You've been sick for a long, long time. I was never fond of you but with Pugsley gone for the time being, I'm growing bored of the house. If Joel were here, I could find something to do."

"Whatever happened between the two of you anyway?"

"He got sick too and seemed to realize that we were not as compatible as we had hoped. In other words, he was weak…"

"Uh, you didn't kill him, did you?"

"I didn't have the option." She said with an annoyed look.

"Look, I get you're bored but we've all been fine living a few good miles away from each other. I do my thing, you do… whatever you do. It's been great. But you're bleeding into _my_ life now and I'm starting to get a little pissed off."

"Wouldn't want to anger you, now would we Dr. Addams."

"You know I changed my name."

Wednesday unfolded her legs and reached over, grabbing my face in her finely manicured hands.

"Let me let you in on a little secret, _Pubert_ : you can change your name, you can move away, you can say whatever makes you feel like you're in control, but you're an Addams and you will always _be_ an Addams." She ran her finger over the top of my lip. "Black will always be your color."

She got out and I shivered. God, she creeps me out.

* * *

I got to the hospital and was met by Lucas at the door.

"No." I said immediately.

"You don't know what I was going to say."

"Was it about my sister?"

"No." I stared at him. "Really, it isn't."

"What is it then?"

"One, you have a consultation in ten minutes; cutting it close there, bud. And two, you have another woman in your office."

"What the? Is it Wednesday _again_? I swear she pops up out of nowhere…"

"No, this is a blonde haired girl?"

I shrug, not sure what he's talking about as I head to my office. When I open the door, the blonde girl turns from one of the seats and I see that it's Melissa.

"Oh, Melissa…"

"I'm sorry, I just couldn't wait until Saturday to come and see you… I baked you a cake."

I looked at the box on my desk and smiled.

"Oh… thanks…"

I open up the box and see a decent looking cake there.

"It looks great, thank you."

"It's carrot cake… it was all I had at home. I know it's not the best of the flavors but I've been told my cooking is really good and I just wanted to make something for you so…"

"Great, I'll see about getting a slice after my consultation."

"Right… well… um, see you Saturday."

"Yeah, of course."

She left and I frowned at the cake on my desk. The door opened and Lucas walked in, looking at me look at the cake.

"Where'd you get that?"

"Melissa made it."

Lucas gaped at me. "What the- You asked her out for a second date, didn't you?"

"And if I did?"

"Ugh! What the hell did I tell you?! She's clingy! Cling-gy! Look at what she's done already!"

"It's a carrot cake, lighten up."

"She's already making baked goods for you after you've only had one date? That doesn't seem any type of suspicious to you?"

"She's overzealous."

"Or she's _clingy_! She's got desperate written all over her! How are you so blind to that, man?"

I sighed and moved the cake out of the way. Lucas sighed and leaned on the desk.

"Look, I'm telling you that it's a really bad idea to get with her. She will be like tape; you won't be able to get rid of her."

"Maybe she'll be a good sacrifice," I mumbled under my breath.

"What?" Lucas asked in confusion.

"I said, maybe she'd be a good sacrifice. The best ones are the ones that are so stupid they'll do anything for you."

Lucas stared at me for a second and I realized what I said. I laughed a little.

"I mean, if I was weird like that…"

Lucas just narrowed his eyes at me and pointed.

"Make sure you keep those weird ass comments to yourself during your consultation."

He left the room and I sighed, putting my hands over my face. What the heck was that thought? My sister is getting into my head…

* * *

 **what are these thoughts you got going on there pubert? and melissa is here to be clingy. that's going to be her job. and i made wednesday a little more on the cryptic side than usual but that was more for dramatic effect. should be back to normal soon. oh, and should i keep this all in puberts perspective or should i switch it up with wednesday or something?**


	5. The Arm Diet

**a little switch in view. again, disclaimer on lucus' personality since i have never seen the play. he is described as normal with a weird side on the AF-wiki so... liberties taken but i think you'll like them.**

* * *

 **LUCUS**

Yeah, I know Adam doesn't want me to talk to his sister but she's super hot and she was going to go at me like a dominatrix? Yeah, count me in on that mess. I drive up to the Addams' residence and the gate opens on its own. I don't really pay any attention to it as I park my car next to an old Model T and a hearse right next to it. I get out as thunder rumbles across the sky and I look up.

"Great night for a werewolf attack…"

"Indeed."

I jump and turn, finding a really hot MILF looking at me with eyes that seem to have a halo all their own.

"H-hello… um, I'm Lucus Beineke. I work with your son at the hospital."

"That's a shame."

"That I work with Adam?"

"That you work at a hospital… unless it's the morgue?"

"Uh, no, I'm a surgeon like him."

"I see. What brings you to our home this lovely night?"

"I was wondering if I could maybe talk to your daughter. I met her a couple of times but I don't think we've gotten to know each other as well as I would like."

The lady smiles sweetly at me and turns slowly, waving her perfectly manicured red nails for me to follow her. She moves surprisingly fast for such a tight dress and I practically gallop after her.

"You are friends with Pubert, I assume."

"Pubert?"

"My son."

"Uh… Adam?"

"I believe that's what he calls himself. His real name is Pubert."

I make a face. "I can understand the name change… that's revolting."

"Befitting, isn't it?" she says in a delightful manner.

I haven't figured out if she's idiotic or just a really sweet Gothic MILF.

"Yeah, I'm friends with him though. We went to school together and we ended up in the same hospital together."

"Does he seem happy?"

"I think content would be the word. Can anyone be truly happy?"

"I guess that _is_ a question to ponder. We all want so much in this life… luckily, there is the next."

I nod my head, still confused. We end up at the end of the staircase and she holds her hand out.

"Wait here please. I will retrieve her."

She makes her way up the stairs and I look around. It's like a creepy museum that no one goes to that talks about nothing essential. I heard something rolling and turn to see a skate roll by the entrance to the next room. I blink a little and then I see it come by again, doing little tricks. That's when I realize that there is a dismembered _hand_ doing skateboard tricks on a skate like it's at a skate park. It does a couple more tricks and then jumps off the skate, galloping towards me. I watch it pass by when it stops and turns to me. I just stare and I feel like it's staring at me too.

"Thing, staring is rude."

Thing (the hand, I assume) bobs up and down and then gallops away again. I turn to see Wednesday coming down the stairs with her hair in long braids on either side of her head and a short black dress on.

"Mother said you wanted me?"

"Yeah… so… uh… I wanted to know if you'd like to hang out with me sometime? You know, catch a movie, eat some dinner…"

"Are you asking me out on a date?"

"Yeeeesss?" I say, unsure since she's not making any other facial expression.

"You're not my type."

"Dashingly handsome?"

" _Breathing_."

Ouch… ego bruise…

"Okay, let me start over: my name is Lucus and I work with your brother at the hospital."

"The top of your head is familiar. I think I've tried to kill you before."

"We can go with that… Look, I think you're pretty and I would like to get to know you a little better. I even brought a peace offering."

I reach in my back pocket and pull out the handcuffs that are there. Wednesday lifts her eyebrow at me.

"Your brother pulled us prematurely from what seemed like a wonderful world of fun. I heard a riding crop was going to be involved?"

"That's true."

"So, I thought that maybe we could try again. He doesn't know I'm here so I mean… all's fair."

Wednesday walks down the stairs and stands on the step that is level with my eyes. She takes the handcuffs with her finger and lets one of them drop as she holds it up.

"These are child's play. I used to use these on Pugsley when we were six."

"Well, I mean, I'm game for anything."

Wednesday twirls the cuffs on her finger as she descends the stairs some more.

"As flattering as it is, I'm not going to be your personal dominatrix. Anyone can torture a person. Is that all you see me as?"

"Well, that's why I asked about a date… I mean, I love that you're into that sort of thing and I am too, but I really would like to get to know you better. The real Wednesday."

She laughs and I feel a shiver of pleasure run down my spine.

"You want to get to know me better? That's an idiotic idea."

"How is that?"

"You're as normal as they come. Sure you have a small side of you that wouldn't mind being put into line, but you're not worth my time. I have spells to cast, people to shoot, and crickets to release."

"Crickets?"

"Yes. There is an assisted living facility with my name on it just waiting to be serenaded by the sweet sound of crickets."

I blink at that but shake my head as she tries to walk past me.

"Wait, wait… Seriously-" She whirls around and before I know it, I am handcuffed to the banister of the stairwell. " _Seriously_?"

She pulls me down to her level and looks me right in the eyes.

"You seem to think that I am like those other girls in the world who have a 'phase' or a 'fantasy', but I'm not like those petty women out there. You don't know the _real_ Pubert so you wouldn't know a _real_ Addams. Handcuffs and riding crops are child's play and past times. If you are trying to do something as stupid as woo me… well… I suggest you get some better advice. My brother will soon be going through a few issues himself and will be of no help to you." She lets me go. "The only one remotely close to understanding and helping you is Joel Glicker."

"Who is he?" I ask as she walks away.

"My ex."

I frown at the mention of an ex but if I have to ask this Joel guy how to woo this dark beauty… after I somehow get out of these handcuffs. Good thing I got the key in my… pock… et… Ah shit… They're in my other pants. I sigh and sit on a step, waiting for someone to pass by.

* * *

"Excuse me, good sir!" I yell about an hour later.

A bald guy wearing a brown robe looking thing turns to look at me and I jump.

"You talking to me?"

"Yeah. Hey, I'm Lucus-"

"You're the kid who was here the other day…"

"Yeah, well, I'm not a kid but-"

"I recognize the top of that head anywhere."

I blink. What was with everyone and the top of my head? I shake my head.

"Yes, my head is amazing. Either way, could you please help me get out of these handcuffs? I seem to have misplaced the key."

The bald guy looks at my hand in a weird way and then looks at me with a weird grin.

"You didn't try gnawing it off?"

I would think he was crazy but he's completely serious. I think I may have stepped into a realm I don't need to be in. I just go with it.

"I _would_ but I've been on an arm diet. I only eat legs…"

"Oh!" he says, making a tsking noise. "Well why didn't you say so? I've had to go on an arm diet myself! Sometimes they're just too tough, aren't they?"

"Y-yeah… yeah… swinging them around when you walk is so annoyingly bulky… I think…"

"Lemme get Thing and we'll get ya out of here no problem."

He walks off and I sigh, not knowing whether or not he'll come back when I see that really pretty Gothic MILF from this morning.

"Hey, um…"

She blinks at me and then smiles sweetly.

"Let me guess, Wednesday's doing?"

"Yeah… how'd you know?"

"She has an affinity for things that capture. Traps, nets, handcuffs, bear traps and the like… She must have an interest in you."

"Well, I kind of brought the handcuffs… Wait, are you her mother?"

"I am Mrs. Addams."

I look at her up and down. "Damn, ma'am… May I say you have a rocking body?"

"Thank you. My husband keeps me in excellent condition."

"You do a lot of exercising?"

"Oh no, formaldehyde does _wonders_ for the complexion."

And… what the hell?

"Tish…"

This guy who looks like he should be in **The Legend of Zorro** comes behind Mrs. Addams and even though he looks like a Spanish Casanova, I see bits of Adam in there and realize that these really svelte and creepy people are his _parents_. Damn, that formaldehyde really _does_ do wonders; these people don't look a day over thirty.

"Who is this?"

"This is Wednesday's toy from the other day. Remember when Pubert came to rescue him?"

"Oh yes, hello, good chap!" he says, holding out his hand.

I shake it and then realize he's carrying around a fencing epee… for some reason…

"I see that you fence?"

He looks down at the epee and smiles.

"Yes, I do. Do you?"

"I've thought about it…"

"Wonderful sport. If you ever learn you'll have to come and duel sometime. Thing and I have quite the matches but sometimes it's so hard to fight against a dismembered hand. Nothing to get points with, you see."

"That… seems difficult."

"I was just telling- oh, your name?"

"It's Lucus."

"Lucus, dear, that it seems he's caught the eye of our lovely daughter. You see?"

She displays the handcuffs and Mr. Addams smiles brightly.

"Excellent! It's good to see she's back to her old self. Ever since Joel left her she's been quite odd as of late… dusting the house, taking the thorns off of roses, even watering the plants!"

"It was a ghastly time." Mrs. Addams says, looking at me with a tragic expression.

I nod in sympathy.

"I do hope you'll be able to cheer her up…"

"I'd like to, I really would, but I'm still stuck here…"

"Nonsense! Just gnaw your way through."

I blink. "As I told the bald man before, I'm on an arm diet."

Mrs. Addams looks at me with sympathy. "The arms _do_ have so much to give. Gomez, help him out just this once."

Gomez nods and takes out the epee. " _Engarde, passer les menottes_!" he yells and then holds the epee up high.

I yell but feel the chain break and I am free of the banister. I open my eye and smile, shaking my wrist.

"Hey, thanks!"

"Of course."

"I have to go but it was nice meeting you, Mr. and Mrs. Addams. Great house."

"You're welcome any time, dead or alive." Mrs. Addams says.

I give a thumbs up and hurry out of the house. I'm going to need to get a hold of that Joel guy…

* * *

 **i think so too my friend. you're kind of getting the hang of it but you can't fool wednesday. she's a special girl!**


	6. Sudden Preferences

**sorry if this is a bit short**

* * *

 **PUBERT**

"Your ugly friend keeps trying to be in my sights."

I look up as Wednesday crosses her arms in the doorway of my office.

"What do you mean? How do you keep getting in here?"

"If you don't want me to enter, you should make the lock on your door a little more challenging." She says, displaying a lock-picking kit. "Besides, even if I didn't, the silly people in this office seem to think you like seeing me. Pity."

"I'll say… anyway, who are you talking about?"

"That colleague of yours, Lucky or whatever."

"Lucus?"

"That sounds like him."

"What did he do now?" I ask, putting my pen down from filling out some papers. "Did he offend you in any way… if there _was_ a way…"

"Yes. He believes I am a common everyday dominatrix and brought handcuffs to me as some sort of peace offering? _Handcuffs_ , Pubert. I find that insulting."

I sigh. "Wednesday, I'm not sure what you want me to do. He likes you (for some reason) and is trying to get to know you. I mean, what did Joel do that made you like him?"

"He almost died."

"I'm sure Lucas isn't going to do that… well… then again, the way he's pursuing you, you could always ask…"

"I don't want to ask him anything. He's proving to be quite the nuisance."

"If you don't like him hanging around then why don't you try to kill him or something? Isn't that your specialty?"

"He seems to… _enjoy_ that."

"Isn't that what you want? I mean, seriously, you're a sadistic crazy lady and you're getting mad because there is a weird dude who likes that you are a sadistic crazy lady? I never thought I'd say this, Wenz, but you're just like every other woman out there."

Wednesday narrows her eyes at me. "I find that even more insulting that the handcuffs."

"Seriously, think about it. Joel left because he was trying to be something that he wasn't. He was trying too hard but just couldn't handle it. Lucas actually _wants_ to be handled rough by you…" I shake my head. "Look, I don't understand why he does but he likes you and wants to try to be with you. You're getting mad because he's actually trying… so… I mean, I don't know what to tell you. I mean… are you actually afraid that things will turn out like Joel?"

"Joel was a newborn foal amongst wolves who thought he could blend in and not get eaten."

"And… what is Lucas?"

Wednesday looks down at the floor for a moment and it is probably the first time I have ever seen my stoic sister looking so normal and almost vulnerable. I guess despite my family's idiosyncrasies, they had their normal parts too. Wednesday had been hurt deeply by Joel's 'betrayal' as she called it. He had hung in for a long time, longer than I thought the guy would. He had tried to handle Wednesday's oddities as well as the family but he was too soft. As my sister said, he was a newborn foal amongst wolves. But when he had finally snapped, he had said a lot of things that even my family was insulted by, and that's few and far between.

"Lucas is a fly who thinks he can zip through the threads of a spider web without getting caught… He flies close enough to danger and believes he is too quick to be caught up in it. His risks are folly… futile and foolish."

"But don't they also say that the closer you are to danger, the farther you are from harm? Maybe he doesn't feel threatened by you at all and is happy to be caught in your web… He's not Joel…"

Wednesday makes a face. "Are you saying I should give him a chance?"

"I'm saying that he's completely ignoring me about trying to be with you so since he's trying so hard, don't compare him to Joel and see for yourself what he'll do."

Wednesday lifts her eyebrow in the same iconic way as our mother but she gets off the doorjamb.

"I will call upon my tarot cards in this decision… In the mean time, I like what you're doing with your hair."

"What do you mean?"

She doesn't reply and I make a face at the door as it closes. I get up to look in the mirror when my phone rings. I grab it and go to look in the mirror again.

"Hello?"

"Is this Dr. Bert?"

"This is he…" I say, looking in shock at my hairline, seeing what looks like black hair coming up from my head. "What can I help you with?"

"This is Melissa."

"Oh, hey…"

"Did you like the carrot cake?"

"Carrot cake?"

"The one I made for you…"

"Oh…" I look over at the uneaten cake and make a face at it. "It was great."

"I'm glad you enjoyed it... considering you didn't eat a single piece of it."

"Huh?"

"I went by your office this morning to check and see if you'd even tried it and do you know what I found? I found a whole cake still there."

"I've been really busy-"

"Too busy to eat a cake from your girlfriend?!"

I lift an eyebrow into the phone as I pull my hair back to see what the heck his going on with it.

"Um… you're not my girlfriend, officially. This will only be a second date. I never asked you to be my girlfriend…"

"I slaved over that cake _all day_ and now you want to tell me that I'm not your girlfriend?!"

"To be honest… I don't like carrot cake. If you believe you are my girlfriend then don't you think you should look more into what I like than your own preference and happiness? Considering the fact that you break into my office whenever you like, I suggest you observe me a little more."

"You… you're not creeped out?"

"I find it-" I stop and realize what I've been saying this whole time. "Goodbye."

"Wait-"

I hang the phone up and slam it onto the table, breathing heavily. What the hell is going on with me? I was just telling her that I was _okay_ with the fact that she was stalking me but not that she didn't understand me? I'm so confused…

* * *

 **LUCAS**

I walk up the apartment stairs and look for the number on my paper that I got from the files at work. Should I have done that? No; but I needed to find this Glicker guy and it's a good thing he had gone to the hospital a bunch of times for allergic reactions and such. I finally find it and knock on the door. I wait a few seconds and the door opens, a weaselly, pale guy struggles to stick his glasses on."

"Yes, can I help you?"

"Are _you_ Joel Glicker?"

"Yeah, who are you?"

"I'm Lucas Beineke… I came to ask you a few questions about a very interesting woman by the name of Wednesday."

Joel makes a face. "Wednesday Addams?"

"Yes."

He looks me up and down, seeming to size me up. For someone who left such an intriguing creature, he sure seems protective of her.

"What do you want from her? She's not like other girls and don't think she's just some Gothic girl who likes S&M or something. It's a whole type of different."

"I have come to figure that out and I was told that if I wanted more information on her, I would fair best talking to you."

"Me? Why?"

"Well, you were her ex, right?"

"Yeah… Wait, do you want to be with her? You want to try your hand with her?"

"Yeah… Got a problem with it?"

Joel just smirks and leans against the doorjamb.

"There's no problem but you're in for a hard course. Like I said, she's not just a Gothic girl with an S&M fetish. She's beyond anything you've ever imagined. Did you meet her family?"

"I met her mother and father, yes… she had um… handcuffed me to the banister."

"Pugsley, Uncle Fester?"

"Um, I don't know what a Pugsley is and I believe I met Uncle Fester. Bald guy in a weird looking robe thing?"

"Yeah, that's him… So, how did you get out of the handcuffs?"

"Her father cut the chain with a surprisingly sharp epee."

"How did you manage that?"

"I… said I was on the arm diet. They kept trying to get me to chew my hand off."

"Arm diet?"

"It worked…"

Joel laughs really hard; so hard in fact that he has to get his inhaler and he sucks in the medicine, leaning on a table beside the door.

"I guess I'll give you a few pointers. The fact that you came up with that and got away with it means you are already thinking like they are. If you really want to win her over, I can get you some tips."

He invites me in.

* * *

 **seems like adam is having a strange acceptance of a nice crazy lady who stalks him and is joel really going to help or is he still upset about having to leave wenz? hmm...**

 **i think i'll have the pov's switch between pubert and lucas just because it seems to be a little better that way and since they are on two different but same-same paths**


End file.
